As we begin a new school year, I want to offer a friendly reminder that I am not a woman.
Huh? What does that even mean? You are obviously not a woman.
You’re right, I’m not; I just live in their world.
I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for about seven years now, and one thing I’ve come to accept is that my day-to-day environment is entirely dominated by humanity’s better half. This is fine, but it makes relating to people with similar daily experiences incredibly difficult. Let’s face it: platonic friendships between men and women rarely exist, and being a "good friend" is often a one-sided endeavor where someone is secretly hoping to kindle a romance. Don’t get this confused with friendly acquaintances. I would say it’s perfectly normal to be friendly towards others of the opposite sex, just not friends. Most of the other moms I interact with are all considerably friendly, but I don’t think we’d ever hang out with each other outside social events or school functions.
Early on in our dating, I offered this exact theory to my wife. Her response was less than validating, claiming she had male friends and those relationships were absolutely platonic. I conceded that you can, indeed, have friends of the opposite sex, but that comes with very heavy caveats.
So, for all the other dads navigating a feminine world where your glorious beards make women (and sometimes men) swoon, I’ve broken down this complicated dance between men and women into a simple, easy-to-reference guide so you may actually have girls who are friends… just not girlfriends. This guide applies specifically to heteronormative individuals. If y'all want something outside of that, make it yourself.
The Degrees of Friendship
The 0th Degree: The first obvious caveat to my sage advice above is that you don’t have to worry about unwarranted feelings between opposite sexes if your “friend” is gay. Yes, I said it: male-female platonic relationships actually work when there's zero biological opportunity for attraction. If both parties find the idea of sleeping with the other repulsive, congratulations, you can be friends!
I know this one’s a little on the nose, as “the gay friend” is often portrayed in pop culture by a flamboyantly gay man who loves going shopping with his “gal pals” and engaging in traditionally female tasks. You know the exact stereotype I’m referring to. But it checks out: men and women can be friends if one party is gay. (Although I often wonder why the gay party in this cinematic trope is rarely a woman... weird.)
The 1st Degree: The One-Sided Tryst This is where things get appropriately convoluted. On the surface, this looks like a platonic relationship, but it is secretly a one-sided friendship with one party wanting something more. The individuals in this dynamic live in a constant state of ignorance and desire, diametrically opposed but still existing together in a delicate balancing act. One side thinks they have a great buddy, and the other wants to get in that buddy's pants: literally, figuratively, or both.
Eventually, these friendships detonate when the romantic offender inevitably professes their love to their unsuspecting “friend.” At this point, one of two things happens. Scenario 1 is the complete dissolution of the friendship because, let’s face it, it was never real. Scenario 2 is that these feelings of unrequited love are, incredibly, returned. I would wager Scenario 2 rarely ever happens, because if the feelings were mutual, they would already be in a romantic relationship. Scenario 2 is further evidenced from reality by often being a featured plot twist in rom-coms. Which automatically means that scenario 2 is more of a dream than reality.
Some might argue there is a scenario where the friendship just continues, but feelings don't go away after a confession. They don't evaporate; they are just shut down. What's left is awkwardness and a clear understanding of intent. Continuing a friendship past that point would take work that both parties probably don't have the capacity for after the fact. This degree of friendship is more commonly known as the Friend Zone.
The 2nd Degree: The Committed Friend This one is easy but dangerous. This degree focuses on pre-existing relationships—marriages, traditional dating, etc. The 2nd Degree relies on the belief that if two people are in a committed relationship, then it is perfectly appropriate for both parties to engage in “friendships” outside their own sex.
Extreme caution is advised here. Both parties must be in absolutely committed relationships, lest they fall prey to the 1st Degree. Yes, this is technically possible when only one party is spoken for, but it only works under certain specific conditions. Namely, the 3rd Degree.
The 3rd Degree: Mutually Assured Revulsions (MARs) In this degree, both parties are physically or intellectually repulsed by each other, and they frequently voice that revulsion within the safe confines of their friendship. Usually, this is delivered via innocuous, playful banter: “Eww gross, that would be like kissing my brother,” or “Absolutely not, I could never be with a [insert opposing political party here].”
MARs relationships absolutely exist in the real world. They aren't limited to physical revulsion; they also thrive on character revulsion, where one or both parties hate specific aspects of the other person’s personality that make them a terrible choice for copulation.
Now, when I say "revulsion," I don't necessarily mean you think the other person is a bridge troll. Often, this revulsion is just a subconscious "nope." It's a small, microscopic incompatibility, something you just can't put a finger on, that neutralizes any romantic spark. It's the mechanism that creates true indifference.
If there is no attraction, it is inherently because of this conscious or subconscious revulsion. This applies to general dating anyway and the typical laws of attraction. You are attracted to someone because something about them, albeit physical, emotional, or intellectual, drives you toward that person. Without that pull, you have that baseline indifference and revulsion. I would argue that the 3rd Degree is often the most likely avenue of friendship between the sexes. You aren’t going to want to be with someone you revile on some level. This can also neutralize the One-Sided Tryst: if one party is blatantly informed of how unattractive they are to the instigating party, those feelings of attraction will either fade or be redirected.
This is proof that revulsion and hate can be highly effective tools in life! Thanks, Emperor Palpatine.
The Wrap-Up
So, now that we know the basic tenets of friendship, why does it matter to me?
It matters because, in my current environment, I am almost always surrounded by women, and these tenets directly bottleneck my potential friendships. Because I have a Y chromosome, the old saying rings true: birds of a feather flock away from dudes because they aren’t women. Most people, men or women (I’m guilty of this), just don’t have the capacity to deal with these types of friendships, so why bother pursuing them?
There is zero animosity on my part. I completely understand that most moms in this same season of life keep a safe distance from cultivating friendships with me so as not to fall prey to one of the degrees listed above. I get it; I’m terribly attractive, with a heavy emphasis on terrible.
So, until I can effectively become friends with other school moms by either becoming gay or wearing a sandwich board proclaiming I’m happily married and completely uninterested, I’ll have to keep hanging out with the guys and standing on the periphery of social events with the ladies. Guys who can’t relate to my lived, day-to-day experience whatsoever.
Oh well. Beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to friendship.
Dad out.