Today we return to the everyday, predictable happenings of life. Over the weekend the nation celebrated the federally recognized holiday, Labor Day. Labor Day started as a time to recognize the contributions of the American laborer, starting in the early 1890s in New York City. Today, people celebrate their labor by taking a well-deserved respite from the grind to spend time with family and enjoy a well-deserved day off. You would think this is an idea that every American could get behind because, after all, we’re celebrating the contributions of people that literally built this country. Our president has other ideas about the holiday.
He posted around a hundred times with some truly astonishing revelations. But a few of them really caught my eye. Let’s dive in!
I gotta hand it to the guy, he’s a modern-day Shakespeare! Just look at that prose. Not only did he manage to encapsulate the real spirit of the holiday, he also effortlessly owned the libs! This magnificent wordsmith managed to insult at least half of the country while also wishing them well. You don’t achieve this level of genius by happenstance. It has to come from hours upon hours of mental gymnastics only to arrive at a work of unrivaled intelligence. Of course he’s acing all the cognitive tests he’s given; the man is a modern-day Einstein.
Also, 10 years of winning! This man can’t lose... unless it’s one of the myriad of lawsuits he’s lost, but everyone knows that the courts are run by Dumocrats (more genius wording from our president) who hate winning. How could he possibly top this masterpiece while churning out posts one after the other?
My God, this man even had time to design a Space Force uniform to rival Imperial Officers from Star Wars! [
It’s glorious! You have to remember that the Imperials were definitely not evil. They were trying to bring back stability to the galaxy by indiscriminately rounding up all kinds of people and forcing them into labor camps, exploiting worlds for resources, and when they didn’t provide any use, murdering en masse. The parallels to our dear leader and his intergalactic regime are uncanny. I can’t believe Trump hasn’t parodied himself as Darth Vader yet. Oh wait...
Huh, maybe he’s trying to make Jedi great again with this totally accurate depiction? But why would he have a red lightsaber? Everyone who’s a giant nerd knows that red is the favored kyber crystal (it’s what gives the lightsaber its color) of the Sith. Shoot, perhaps he’s just portraying himself as a Sith lord that’s bringing all the Jedi to the Dark Side by dressing like them. Like I stated before, the man’s a genius, so who am I to question this? Maybe diving further into the fray of his Labor Day “Truths” will provide some insight.
Awww shit, I knew it! The Moon really isn’t Earth’s orbiting celestial body but an American-made Death Star that we own. That’s where all the job creation is coming from: the construction and maintenance of our very own planet of doom. The moon hasn’t really been a spherical rock circling the globe but a long-term American construction project that only our amazing president could see to fruition. Those jobs can’t be reported because they aren’t on Earth. What a stroke of genius to create jobs in outer space and then be so humble as to not claim them. How could this get any better?
Wow! Not only are we building a real-life Death Star masquerading as the moon, but we are also building an army of Jaegers. If you haven’t seen Pacific Rim, these giant robots fight giant monsters called Kaiju that are appearing from a rift somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Trump is just preempting the inevitable invasion of radical left Marxist Kaijus that are going to wreak havoc on our unsuspecting citizenry by building the robots now.
Not only that, but he’s also going to keep us safe with a multitude of robotic dogs that apparently shoot lasers. Everyone knows that lasers are super duper incredible weapons that can destroy anything. Not only that, but he also featured his other job-creating project, the moon/Death Star, casting a long shadow on the robot forces that he’s going to lead into the future. I can’t even fathom how many jobs this will create or how our grocery prices will plummet. This will also revitalize our waning energy infrastructure and production by making these intergalactic marvels run solely off coal and fossil fuels! He’s a mad genius!
That’s right, sir, it’s you. You’re the greatest. Not only are you benevolently wishing everyone well, including the Dumocrats, but you’re showing us how you’re going to make labor great again. You’ve single-handedly created an age of prosperity by cherry-picking great sci-fi ideas and making them a reality for the American people. You, sir, have put the labor in Labor Day by being our true laborer-in-chief.
Dad out... to figure out WTF I just wrote. Happy Labor Day, patriots!