People assume I love kids because I'm a stay-at-home dad. I don't. I love my kids, but I don't really care for kids in general. Unfortunately, kids seem to like me. The feeling isn't mutual. I enjoy being around kids in small increments, but that's about it. It's a sliding scale: the older a child gets, the more I enjoy being around them. But that too is finite. Once they reach the latter parts of adolescence, they become assholes again. That's about the time they become aware enough to realize you aren't cool and aren't afraid to tell you.
People also think I should, by default, love babies. I HATE BABIES. They're absolutely useless. "But Beard-Dad, how can you hate babies?! They're so cute!" Don't be naive. Their cuteness is an evolutionary defense mechanism against being thrown in a river or dropped off at the fire station.
People tell me I should be more forgiving because I was a baby once. I know. And I hate myself for it. Do you know how much therapy I've needed just to recover from my own infancy? We should all be eternally grateful to our parents for not drowning us in the bathtub at a young age.
I'd argue that every parent has looked at their infant child and thought, "I hate you," or even murmured it under their breath just to feel the thrill of possibly meaning it. We all hate our kids sometimes, but that doesn't mean we stop loving them. Let us count the ways babies are awful human beings.
Useless
Babies don't do anything beyond the basic functions of life: breathing, eating, sleeping, and expelling excrement. Would we allow adults to exist this way without a medical excuse? There is absolutely no return on investment for the amount of energy you have to pour into a baby.
Don't give me that tired argument that parenting lasts a lifetime. My job is done when they reach adulthood, and if I've done a poor job and they can't survive without me... oh well. I tried. I just front-load those feelings of disappointment with babies.
I've had many voiced and unvoiced thoughts about their utility: "Why can't you hold your head up on your own?" "Why are you still shitting yourself like a savage?" "That looks uncomfortable, but I'm too comfortable to move you." "Why can't you make me dinner?"
Hell, we're still in this phase with our 5-year-old! I thought we would be done with the baby stage after two kids and seven years, but I fear I'll be trapped in this torment for eternity.
They Don't Love You
Plenty of people think their children love them from birth. Nope. As I said earlier, that's an innate survival mechanism to keep you from murdering them.
People will say, "Oh, my baby is so attached to me, I can just see the love in their eyes." Ba ba ba bullshit! That kid only looks at you longingly and expresses dismay at your leaving because they're hungry. You're just the vector of their sustenance. They don't love you. They love food and being alive.
Babies cleverly trick you into thinking they care. They're con artists to the highest degree, absolutely exploiting your adult emotions to their own benefit. Does anyone really think a creature that can't even roll itself over has the cognitive capacity to experience love?
The Sleep Assassins
These little tyrants love to make you miserable by refusing any sort of logical sleep schedule. They'll fall asleep at random and force everyone around them to be quiet because God forbid you wake a sleeping baby. How inconsiderate do you have to be to expect the entire world around you to live a live-action version of A Quiet Place just so you can take a nap? Assholes.
And God forbid they wake up before their preordained food break just to savage your soul through relentless fits of crying. Sleep when the rest of the world does, kid; people will hate you less for it.
Does anyone actually answer truthfully when asked about their experience with a newborn? "Oh, it's great... I love being a parent." No, you don't, you liar! That is a script recited by people who are dying inside while the exhaustion slowly manifests physically.
Tiny Vampires
Babies aren't vampires in the traditional sense. They don't suck your blood... anymore. But I would argue for the ladies out there that these jerks were absolutely stealing your life essence in utero.
Once they're out, they just steal your energy. They leach your will to live. The stronger they get, the weaker you get. It is pure infantile vampirism.
So there you have it. Babies are scientifically proven to ruin your life. But that's okay, because they are a direct reflection of your will to endure misery on behalf of someone you love.
We aren't always going to be perfect parents, doting over our tiny masterpieces of life. We're going to experience a lot of the same emotions that babies do—we just can't get away with the crying and screaming in public. There is something profoundly rewarding about the opportunity to shape a young life into someone who doesn't suck and might actually add some joy to this world.
In the meantime, remember: it's okay to silently hate your kids sometimes, as long as you love them just as intensely and don't throw them in a river...
Dad out.