School's out now, so my body has once again become corporeal! Some of you may have to look that word up... You are probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. "Beard-dad, you're a human being with a solid body, blood and cholesterol coursing through your veins." When it comes to child rearing, school, pretty much anything involving children, dads are not considered relevant in any serious conversations, decisions, etc. I can already hear the slow turn of eyes rolling, creaking in their sockets, but please hear me out.
I’m a stay-at-home dad or SAHD—which, conveniently, is pronounced 'sad,' fitting for a guy whose school presence is basically a haunting. I'm not just some dude ranting on a daily basis, even though that would be a fair assumption. So, I have some street cred when it comes to all of the aforementioned issues. In my current role, I am the primary contact, caregiver, comforter, diaper changer, and adult face for my children. Most people I've come across in my 7 years of doing this have been very kind and supportive. BUT, when it comes to the school side of things, which happens to be dominated by women, I am nothing more than a warm body and, more often than not, a ghost.
"What do you mean, a ghost!?! Is this the Sixth Sense?" No, it's not and I'm not actually a ghost. Since we've started our journey through the school system, we have had the pleasure of attending multiple parent/teacher conferences. I believe that my wife and I have attended every single one that's come up except for maybe one. Conferences or meetings with teachers and staff have become almost a comedic enterprise for me over the years because oftentimes I am entirely ignored during the discussions.
When we first started, I would often say to my wife that "Teacher X didn't look at me the entire meeting" and would disregard my questions or answer them to my wife. At first, she didn't believe me or would write it off as a non-issue because, as I've stated before, she works in schools and has never done nor witnessed such a thing.
For a while I thought that maybe I was overreacting, but these occurrences just kept happening over and over again. Since I made my wife aware of the perceived issue, she has become more perceptive of the body language and overall responses from school staff and is now on team Beard Dad.
You might wonder what the precipitating moment was for her epiphany. I remember distinctly we were sitting in a conference for my oldest. I asked a question directly to the teacher and in response, she looked directly at my wife and full-on answered to her as if I weren't even there. The teacher even looked her directly in the eyes while she was speaking. To be fair, I did notice everyone in the room begin to shiver and become visibly disturbed while I was talking. Weird. The entire exchange was so outlandish that I began to find great comedy thereon out. Hence, I knew then that I very well may be a ghost but only inside of school buildings.
Now, am I exaggerating a little bit? No, I am not. The absolute disavowal of my existence is quite prevalent, BUT I'm not even mad or bitter about it. Honestly, I'm kind of enthralled with the entire thing. Since I’ve accepted my afterlife as a phantom, I’ve been observing the patterns of the living. Here are my working theories on why this haunting happens.
Theory 1: Since education is a predominantly female-dominated profession (except for high school), female teachers inadvertently feel more comfortable talking to other women. In reality, it probably has nothing to do with me or my gender. It's just a natural social tendency. Totally understandable! I wouldn't want to talk to me either!
Theory 2: Men have been so absent in the child-rearing experience over time that it's jarring when a dad is so heavily involved. I am not ignorant to this. Men historically have not been primary caregivers of children. Hell, oftentimes you will see dad's portrayed as clueless, bumbling idiots that can't even put a diaper on the right way.
This perception is actually relevant because that's how most dads were when I was growing up. They went to work, they came home, ate, slept, and repeated the cycle. It would be a special occasion to see dad's participating in the regular happenings of family life, and the mere occurrence of a dad "taking care of the kids" would warrant gushing praise from any woman in the vicinity. "Oh look at the dad, watching his kids, what a good dad!" (Read this in a Canadian accent; it's more fun.)
You don't see women being praised for the exact same thing, that many do all f***ing day?! Do ya?! I too have often been given such warm praises for simply doing what I'm supposed to do, which is taking care of the darn kids! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the compliments and feeling seen, but the standards are completely different between men and women.
Working Theories:
-I'm just so good-looking and my beard is so magnificent, it renders every teacher that sees it awe-struck. (Probably not true... probably)
-I am a ghost. It is completely plausible that I die whenever I enter a school and that's why no one can see me. The miracle in all of this is that I am resurrected every time I leave. The church may want to study me. (This is probably the least likely scenario)
So what should you take away from all of this? Well, we are all subject to social constructs, even when they can negatively impact you. People adhering to said social constructs usually aren't intentionally being malicious or rude. It's subconscious. Lastly, people are definitely biased against ghosts. To anyone reading this, remember that all dads aren't bumbling idiots, just most of us, and regardless of what you've experienced in the past, gender roles can change. Thanks for reading, and I have to go counsel a sad kid on a park bench now. Dad out.