In case there was any question. This image was generated by AI. I can’t afford an artist.
Beam me down, Scotty.
If you were to ask me what I feared most, I would usually answer with, “I fear no man alive, but aliens? They’re terrifying.” Aliens inspire great fear in me, but most people laugh at this because I usually get the, “Hahaha, idiot! Aliens aren’t real!” Well, the joke’s on you; I know for a fact that they’re real because I’ve seen their chariots of fire!
When I was a young man, I had an encounter of the first kind. For everyone who isn’t a huge nerd, that means I saw a UFO. I was probably somewhere in the realm of 16-17 years old. I was over at my girlfriend’s house at the time when we experienced a rather sizable electrical storm. No big deal, a little storm is nothing to be scared of, right?
She lived pretty far out in the country, so it was a decent drive to get home, probably about 10 minutes, which is a pretty good distance in a small community. Anyway, the storm had ended, and so had my date, so it was time to head home. When we went outside to say goodbye, we noticed a heavy fog had rolled in. Now if you can remember back to all of those early experiences in dating, you may also recall that goodbyes can be drawn-out smooch fests with lots of sweet talk, bodies close to each other, not wanting to let go because God forbid you leave each other’s presence. So, needless to say, we were saying “good-bye” for a few minutes.
While going through the ritual teenage dance of saying farewell, my girlfriend noticed an odd light coming over the road. I said it was probably a car, because you know, teenage boys confidently know everything. Lo and behold, a car came over the slight hill in the road right before her house, and all was well again. Shortly after, the same lights appeared in the sky, and this time there was no car.
It was at this point that things didn’t feel right, and we mutually agreed that it was finally time for me to go, as we were both a little nervous about this new phenomenon. Now, I never would have admitted that when I was young because… I was a man! Right? Right. So being the big, strong man that I was, I got in my car and headed home.
It was a warm night, so I had the windows down, and all I had in my 1985 Mercury Topaz was a traditional AM/FM radio, so I flicked it off. I pulled out of her driveway and started making my way down a short stretch of road that ended in a T, where I would turn and take that way in an almost straight shot to my house. As soon as I made my turn onto that long stretch, my car was instantly bathed in full illumination, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t alone.
I heard no sound except for the pulling of wind through my open windows, and as I accelerated, so did this strange, overwhelming light that was above my vehicle. I looked up to see if I could find its source, but everything past that light was obscured by dark sky and fog. Uneasy and rapidly proceeding to the feeling of terror, I started to accelerate to outrun my unwanted shadow of brilliant light. I made it all the way back to a state highway that was well lit with the amber glow of streetlights and closed businesses. It was on this road that I made another right turn that would soon lead me to the driveway of our family home. As I made it to the intersection, that ominous glow above me disappeared. Whoa, that was crazy, but at least it’s gone now. Probably just the reflection of my headlights or something. You can imagine all the things running through my head at this point.
When I made the turn into my drive, I was relieved. There’s no better feeling than making it home after an arduous journey, albeit a short one. I figured it was some silly trick of my imagination or some other phenomenon involving light bouncing off low-hanging clouds. All very logical and reasoned and running through my brain in a matter of seconds. We had a relatively long driveway, and when I came to the end and parked my car, I was once again fully bathed by a light of unknown origin. This is where I skipped right from unease to terror, as my lights were off at this point, and all logical reasons for this encounter had completely dissolved, leaving me with one final conclusion: it’s a freakin’ UFO!
I did the manliest thing possible at this point. I ran inside and woke up my mom, of course! I told her about the whole experience and was sure at this point we were about to be abducted by aliens. I don’t remember the full context of the conversation, just the feeling of it. My mom recognized that I was terrified and essentially gave me the ultimatum of calling the police to see if I was indeed serious about the threat of alien invasion. I was serious, and I did call the police. Talk about awkward phone calls.
The call went exactly as you can imagine. I regaled them with my entire experience in full dramatic detail, expecting them to instantly send out a cruiser or the entire department, the FBI or the Army, to combat this new menace to humanity! Instead, they asked if I had been drinking. No. Taking drugs? NO! My God, you have to believe me! We are about to be abducted and probed and cut apart and put back together with no recollection of this ever happening. Send help! But that’s not what they did. Their final question was, “So what do you want us to do?”
Do? I want you to come save us! But that’s not what I said. It was something akin to, “I just wanted to let you know and find out if anyone else has seen it… I guess.” The police assured me they would record the encounter and let me know if there was anything else.
I can imagine that they didn’t even take a report, and I’m not surprised. I probably wouldn’t have taken me seriously either in their position. But since that day I’ve always wondered what that voluminous light in the sky was.
The few people I’ve told said it was probably a helicopter or lights from a car. All of the reasonable explanations, of course. But since my time in the Army, I know it wasn’t a helicopter because those things are loud, and I know it wasn’t a car as I’ve repeatedly witnessed the event of car lights on low-hanging clouds. I know that what I saw wasn’t natural and there was a high likelihood that it wasn’t man-made.
So what does this story have to do with the random bruises that have been appearing all over my body for the past few years? I’ll tell you. Alien abduction, that’s what! Considering the aforementioned encounter, it only makes sense that I’ve been repeatedly abducted because, after all, I’m special. They’ve been following me and studying me throughout my entire life to see what makes me so special, and their latest experiments are a little more rough, hence the bruises. Makes perfect sense.
This is probably the most likely scenario, but there is one more plausible explanation.
The first rule is you don’t talk about it.
The only other possible explanation for my ever-bluing body is that I’m unknowingly participating in a fight club. It’s the only other thing that makes sense. Just like the movie, I have no recollection of it because I have multiple personalities to pair with my multiple sclerosis, and as previously stated, I’m special. Only special people participate in fight clubs.
This would also explain why I’m so tired all the time and why my body hurts every day. It couldn’t be the MS, arthritis, or degenerative disk disease… Nah, that couldn’t be it.
I’m leaving my family in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping so I can go to an underground club where we work out our problems by beating the shit out of each other. And, unbeknownst to my other self, we’re planning the absolute downfall of a capitalist system run rampant. I just don’t remember any of this happening because, like I said, it must be my other personality.
I also constantly ask my kids to fight me. I don’t know why, but it just feels right. Sometimes they take me up on it, much to their eventual regret and much to my own glee. Don’t worry, I don’t actually “fight” my girls; I just throw them around a bit, and they love it. This desire to fight my kids is probably just another lingering side effect of my alternate personality. It couldn’t possibly be the subconscious insanity that they are slowly causing me, right?
This completely normal theory would perfectly explain the bruising on my ankles and abdomen. It’s all the kicks and body blows I’ve been taking. Yeah, that’s it.
Or could it be from all the meds I’m taking or the several vitamin deficiencies I have? Nah, that can’t be it. It’s definitely aliens or multiple personalities… It has to be.
Dad out.