I’m sorry for my absence. We were away undertaking one of America's finest family traditions: the family camping trip. We bought a 24-foot travel trailer about three years ago and have made it a point to actually use it. We strictly go "glamping" because I'm a diva and I need that 30-amp service to run my AC! Unfortunately, we also have to take our kids, which I suppose is the entire point of a "family camping trip." I've camped both with and without children, and I have to say the latter is a much better experience, but we persevere regardless.
Based on our experience camping with children—one of whom has a rather significant disability—I feel like it's my duty to offer some friendly advice for anyone considering such an endeavor.
Tip 1: Remember your chargers. Reaching many of our favorite campsites requires towing the camper, which slows down travel significantly. Thus, you need a constant stream of entertainment to occupy those active little minds. If you don't, they quickly turn feral, and your car will soon devolve into a very bad screamo concert. And unless it’s Wage War or Lorna Shore, that’s a concert you didn't want to attend—nor pay for, because let's face it, just having kids around costs money. Therefore, it is IMPERATIVE that you remember to bring chargers for all the devices that keep those wannabe vocalists busy for the duration of the trip.
How do I know this? We forgot to bring the charger for literally three iPads that we use in beautiful harmony to bring us the only peace we'll have on our vacation. It's a quiet bliss only penetrated by the soft dueling of different kids' shows being played at the exact same time. You know what I don't hear during this time? Whining, complaining, "How much longer?" and "Can we have a snack?" The answer will always be "no!" to all of those things, including requests for time, as you can clearly see it on the dashboard screen. Open your flipping eyes!
We started with only one iPad that had an 80% charge, so I eventually caved and bought an overpriced charging cable from a gas station. Not my finest moment, but you have to do what you can to survive. In the future, just remember your chargers.
Tip 2: Wear your kids out. Our youngest child can be kind of a pain in the ass. She's non-verbal autistic with a global developmental delay. What does that mean to you? Absolutely nothing, because she isn't yours. But for us, it means lots of experimental parenting. I say "experimental" because typical styles of parenting just don't work on this kid. For example, when we tell our oldest daughter it's time for bed, you know what she does? She goes the f*** to sleep. You know what our youngest does? She throws a rave in the camper while we are just trying to get some much-needed downtime around a cozy fire.
It's not that she isn't tired, oh no. It's that she's so excited about camping that she physically can't sleep. Yelling doesn't work, gentle pats on the butt don't work, and laying down with her doesn't work. Nothing works except waiting her out... or does it?
No, it doesn't. You know what we made these kids do the next day after a night of waking up to "ga ga ga, da, eyes, wook!"? We took a two-mile hike through some hilly woods, followed by more walking, and an afternoon in the pool. It all sounds fun, right? Yes, but fun isn't the only goal here. The primary objective is to exhaust those tiny parasites so they go to sleep. And it worked; that night and every subsequent night, they went right down. Other acceptable forms of "wearing your kids out" include forced ruck marches, running laps until you get tired (your kids are the ones running the laps), and burpees until, again, you get tired. All proven methods.
Tip 3: Bring reinforcements. My in-laws also enjoy camping and, much to our surprise and joy, they also like our kids (their grandkids). I'm still trying to figure out why. Anyway, the one trip where we all went camping together was amazing. When you inevitably get tired of your kids—which typically happens in the first five minutes—you just send them to grandma and grandpa's camper! Often, when we go to retrieve our human luggage, they're having a grand ol' time without Mom and Dad. It makes me think they conspire to make us miserable on purpose, as we always get glowing reports about their behavior from the grandparents. Hmm.
I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but bring someone to watch your kids while you do absolutely nothing, read a book, or even take a nap. The only caveat here is that you want to bring someone who actually likes your kids; otherwise, you're just adding another whining voice to the cacophony of misery.
Tip 4: Give them ice cream daily. I know what you're thinking: "Ice cream every day? That's horrible, we should call CPS on Beard-Dad!" First off, no. Second, hear me out. Who is ever sad when eating ice cream? The answer is no one (at least, no one you ever want to be around). Even the mere thought of getting ice cream puts kids into a trance-like euphoria where they'll pretty much do whatever you tell them.
"Go clean up or we can't get ice cream." "OK, Daddy!"
It works absolute wonders, and the best part is, you get to have ice cream too. Everyone wins. If you're lactose intolerant, your toilet won't, but it's worth it.
Those are all the tips I'm willing to share for free. Any more and I'm going to have to start a premium tier to give you the real tricks of the trade. Kidding... for now.
I know I say a lot of silly things and gripe a lot about the frustrations that come with child-rearing. But, in the end, it's all incredibly worth it to witness firsthand the core memories the girls are creating with us. There is a special kind of magic that comes with family trips, regardless of the headaches. So, my last tip is simple: cherish these moments and memories, for they are fleeting and can only be captured once in a lifetime.
Dad out.
