Beard-Dad: What Do You Do Every Day?
Seriously, without work, what do you do? My wife can definitely tell you, as she is relentless in her quest to fill every minute of time to the max. Which leads me to my question for other people: what do you do all day?
Every time this question comes up, I'm often reminded of the line from Office Space, "What would you say you do here?" I love "The Bobs." Seriously though, this is a true curiosity of mine. This is also a question I continuously ask myself as it pertains to my own situation.
Like I've said before, I am an Army Veteran. While in the service, I was constantly busy; workdays would often span out into all seven days of the week. When I had just a moment's free time, I wouldn't want to fill it with chores or additional work. I wanted to relax. Reasonable, right? Wrong. According to my wife, relaxation is a myth.
Now, I could get away with the proverbial lazy day now and again before marriage, but after, my days of quiet relaxation were quickly gone. Since kids entered the mix, relaxation really has become a mythic endeavor. This sounds like a dig on marriage, my kids, and my wife. It's not, and I'll tell you why. Being the way she is makes me a better person; I get more done, and I like to think I do the same for her.
I believe there are several different types of people in the world when it comes to rest, relaxation, and filling time—and all of them can complement each other. Let's explore.
The Lazy POS (LPOS) This one might be the most obvious. Some people we know are just lazy pieces of shit. There's no working around it. Now, I think there is some value in learning what makes someone a Lazy POS. Do they have a mental or chronic disease? Are they allergic to work and activities? I hear work allergies become really strong in the summer. But we've all come across someone in our work or social lives that's just plain lazy. In the work environment, these people are horrid to work with because they always take the path of least resistance, even if it's a path to nowhere.
In social circles, this individual may be a little harder to spot, but often you can tell (at least in dad-world) by the state of their lawn. Yes, dads love a well-manicured lawn. Our partners might believe we take lawn care so seriously because we love it. Not true. We love lawn care because of the solitude. What I've learned over time is that most kids fit into the "Lazy POS" category. Those little turds will find every excuse not to do something, even when it's to their benefit. There aren't a whole lot of kids that want to do lawn work, hence the solitude.
There are a few exceptions to the lawn rule: the elderly, the indigent, and the overly busy individual. I could go on about those subcategories, but I think you get the point. These individuals can be incredibly hard to identify as they have become masters at doing nothing but making it look like they do. I'm not going to name names, but if you're reading this, you know who you are.
The Party Animal (PA) The Party Animal is someone who loves to be around other people, and when they aren't at work (around other people), they fill their free time with... other people. I understand this one the least, as I absolutely do not like being around people. I already know what you're thinking: "Oh, wow, Beard-Dad is a curmudgeonly old curmudgeon."
False. I am not. What I am is probably an extreme introvert. It's not that I dislike people. Quite the contrary, I like most people I meet. The only issue here is that being around people saps all of my energy, quickly. Think of me as a car battery in -30 degree weather. I still want to work, but I'll fade fast.
Despite my inappropriate desire to be by myself, I still recognize that other people don't like to be hermits. So, what are the hallmarks of the Party Animal? First, it is the complete inability to be alone. These folks absolutely can't function by themselves. I know that's an exaggeration, but their mental and physical well-being quickly deteriorates if they aren't around at least one other person. Does this mean that every Party Animal likes to party? Nope, but they absolutely thrive in that environment and actually get energy from being around others. It's insanity.
The second hallmark of the Party Animal is that, much like the Busy Body, they always have to be doing something—but with one major difference. The Party Animal only engages in activities that involve being around other people. If you need a perfect example, think of escape rooms. Talk about a nightmare for me: being locked in a room with others whom you may or may not know or like. Torture. But not for the Party Animal! Again, I think most kids fall into this category because they are always up my ass.
The Busy Body (BB) These people are weird, but I've been surrounded by them for most of my life, so I have some insight. Both my wife and brother fall into this category in the truest sense. These individuals thrive on to-do lists and constantly need something to do, even when it isn't fun.
I don't know why, but in my conversations with Busy Bodies, they have alluded that being this way brings no satisfaction. It's more of a compulsion, and when they complete a task, they have a very short-lived feeling of happiness, but only in the fact that they finished something. For them, it is more about the destination instead of the journey. They are never satisfied.
Other traits of the Busy Body include a lack of hobbies. They don't have hobbies because they "don't have time for hobbies." Which is BS, because their hobby is being busy. These people tend to be incredibly successful in their chosen endeavors because they doggedly pursue them, often to their own detriment. But hey, at least they get some shit done.
I do love this category, probably because I'm not one and it creates a little jealousy. Kids are also Busy Bodies, because they are always giving me stuff to do. You might be asking why. It's because their lack of ability makes me do their desired tasks for them.
"Daddy, can you open this for me?" "Daddy, can you play with me?" "Daddy..."
The list goes on forever.
The No Work All Play (NWAP) These are some unique individuals. Contrary to the Busy Body, these folks only want to engage in leisure activities, with or without people, which separates them from Party Animals. Gamers—which I am—definitely fall into this category. These folks just want to do fun things or things that interest them. It doesn't always involve screens, but can also translate to outdoor activities or pseudo-academic pursuits.
Think of professional rock climbers, cyclists, or willful participants in any sport; they will typically fall into the NWAP category. Does this mean that they are also Lazy POSs? No, because these individuals work exceptionally hard at playing. Unlike Lazy POSs, their pursuits are met with the same energy as the Busy Body completing tasks. There is a high probability that these individuals fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. They are usually quite passionate about their interests and won't waste an opportunity to tell you about them in great detail, regardless of your feigned interest or lack thereof. I am definitely a NWAP. Infer what you will, because I don't really care what you think.
Kids are also NWAPs, as their pursuits tend to lean toward what they consider fun. Unfortunately, things that they most often consider fun, I don't.
Borings (Bs) This is somewhat of an unfair title, but unfortunately, it is very accurate. The Boring is simply that: boring. This is the personality type that I interact with the least, but not intentionally. I find that this is the rarest of all categories. Is everyone boring to someone else? Absolutely, because not everyone shares the same interests. But the Boring just doesn't do much or have any interests. These individuals just kind of exist.
One of the biggest identifiers of a Boring is that they don't have anything to talk about, ever, because they don't engage in anything. Oftentimes they are toted along to events by Party Animals simply because of their proximity or out of pity.
The really odd thing about the Boring is that they don't care either way. Think of this person as indifferent to everything. It's not that they're Lazy POSs, because they usually find an occupation and do well enough, but their occupations tend to be pretty mundane and then they don't pursue much outside of it. My description of the Boring might be a little harsh, but in my interactions with them, they fully comprehend and identify as being... boring. It's just totally foreign to me.
I think kids are super boring, but I don't believe they predominantly fall into this category. They are always doing things that kids definitely don't think are boring by any means.
"But Beard-Dad, you've incorporated kids into every category, why not this one?!"
Why? Because I'm fair and objective, unlike Fox News; get off my case!
The Wrap-Up This was a fun excursion into the intricacies of differing personalities! Much like a Myers-Briggs test, I even broke these down into acronyms so you can code people based on their personality types! I'm an LPOSNWAP. What's yours?
As always, I know that I say a lot of this in jest, but I have a few points.
I think it's important to try and understand the ones you love. What are their motivations? Why do they do the things they do, even when it drives you crazy? I think we often struggle to get along because we are so absorbed with ourselves that we fail to understand the very real and important traits of others. Try to discover who they really are.
Kids are all of these things because they haven't been fully developed into their ultimate persona yet. Tabula rasa, if you will (blank slate). It's a really cool thing to see different personality traits emerge, but I think it's even cooler that these little monsters are so open to all of the wonders of the world without self-imposed limits yet.
I'm done melting your brains for the day, so I'll leave you with this: Just because we're all different doesn't mean we don't have to be kind to one another. In the future, before jumping to conclusions, try and think about the personality type you're dealing with and the struggles they may be experiencing because of it.
Dad out.