Since the advent of MAGA, I have heard many terms and phrases thrown around. Most are completely nonsensical, devoid of all logic, but there is one phrase that I keep coming back to: "I don't believe in science." Da fuq?! After thinking on this for an exorbitant amount of time, I found myself trying to find an answer for this mode of thinking and asking myself, "Self, do you believe in science?"
If I didn't believe in science, what would I believe in? The best answer I could come to was magic. I would believe in magic if I thought science was a joke. Let's explore the major differences between science and magic and maybe come to a definitive conclusion once and for all. Who knows, I might even find some common ground with MAGA folks.
A Case for Science
You can't talk about science without first discussing the scientific method: you know, that archaic piece of logic that dictates how to find the answers to the universe. If you don't know what the scientific method is, go back to middle school... or just Google it. It's science!
The first order of the scientific method is to make an observation and ask a question about it. "Huh, the sky is blue. I wonder why?" Boom. An observation was made and a question asked. Now we can move on to the next piece and do some damned research.
What does this mean? It means that you Google the answer to your question, and if there's an answer, case closed. If you aren't satisfied with the answer, you can move on to finding out for yourself. Let me see what actually makes the sky blue.
After reading a plethora of nerd words, this is what the consensus is: Rayleigh scattering. Ray-who whatering? According to some dorks in lab coats somewhere, it's where the sun's light hits molecules in our atmosphere, and because blue has the shortest wavelength, it gets reflected. Boring words! Sounds like elitist propaganda to me! That can't be right! What nonsense! Or, at least, that's what I imagine most members of MAGA would say.
This is the point where you can form a hypothesis, which is your own stupid idea. For this experiment, I tried to put myself in the same type of headspace as someone in MAGA.
I think the sky is blue because it was painted by a giant (and not the New York kind, because they can't execute anything successfully right now). Now that we have a BETTER hypothesis than Riley Scootering, we can conduct experiments to test my much superior theory. In this case, I'm going to take a paintbrush, load it with a different hue of blue, attach it to my drone, and fly it up into the sky to see if I can paint a different color. This is definitely going to work.
It didn't work... This "experiment" just ended in my drone flying up to about 400 feet and subsequently dropping a loaded paintbrush into an unsuspecting squirrel's nest like a tiny B-2 bomber. It didn't paint the air, and now we have squirrels running around the neighborhood in a freakish shade of blue.
Now what? According to the scientific method, we can either revise our hypothesis and continue experimenting, or we can draw a conclusion. In this case, I'm just going to take the nerds' word for it and accept that it's Bailey Smootering.
I would say that this entire idea of using the scientific method is shaky at best. My experiment definitely didn't prove my hypothesis, so my NEW hypothesis is that science is bullshit. I wonder if I can learn anything from MAGA's complete denial of reality and science. But since science didn't prove the best hypothesis ever (Sky Giant Paint), maybe I should explore what MAGA actually believes. It almost seems like they believe in... magic? Hmm.
Abra Ca MAGA!
Detractors of the MAGA movement often criticize this group for participating in what academics call "Magical Thinking." This term can be loosely defined as believing unrealistic things involving all aspects of life, most notably insane ideas about the economy, politics, and Democrats stealing children in the night (probably true).
Tariffs are a perfect example of magical thinking. According to MAGA die-hards, tariffs will generate unseen amounts of money for our country because other countries pay the tariffs! You don't need "science" or "basic economics" to prove this stuff; you just have to believe it and it will happen. Magic.
This mode of thinking permeates the ideology... but it's not a cult. I think we need to change MAGA's very egregious "cult" moniker to an "illusion"—as in an illusion of magicians. That's right, I think MAGA illusion members are actual apprentice wizards, as they've been able to establish policy and persuade others to their cause solely because it feels right. It's a vibe. It's, dare I say, magic?
Let's use the scientific method to prove that MAGA can actually weave magic spells that affect the whole U.S. population or, at the very least, Republicans.
I have a theory! My theory is that MAGA is actually an illusion of magicians, warping the world to their own weird, horrible reality. I meant to say "awesome reality," sorry. Anywho, I'm going to use observable evidence to prove this claim.
Point 1: Renaming Reality
Trump renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.
Trump reshaped reality just by signing a piece of paper. Sure, Canada, Mexico, and the Associated Press threw a fit, but guess what? If you open up Google Maps, it now reads the Gulf of America! Magic! If you just start renaming shit whatever you want, the magical information machine that is Google will make it a reality. Let's be real, how else could you make everyone (or at least all the members of your illusion) believe that 500 years of historical reference are done and we can just start naming shit whatever we want? Hell, that Grand Wizard in the Oval Office just renamed Lake Ontario (such a weak name) to Lake America (strong name)! It's magic!
Point 2: Foreign Policy Presto-Chango
The Iran War: a masterclass in misdirection. These magical geniuses actually started a war on the basis that Iran was weeks away from gaining a nuclear weapon... a spell Iran has been casting on Israeli intelligence for 20 to 30 years now. But this time, our Grand Wizard used his crystal ball to discern the truth!
Never mind that we are now engaged in a protracted war to seize their oil and indiscriminately murder schoolgirls; short-term pain equals long-term gain, baby! The stock market is the best it's ever been! Also, never mind that this soaring stock market doesn't do anything for everyday expenses or the "wealth" of the average American. Oil is also insanely expensive, and you know what big numbers mean, right? Prosperity.
Do you think that muggle Biden could have achieved such heights? His stock market may have been up but his oil was down. Nay! Only our Grand Wizard, Trump, could drive up gas prices to the highest they've been in living memory. Not only that, but these masters of magic are trying to use spells to align our next military budget with Israel's. Magic! What could possibly go wrong with aligning our defense strategy with another country that has recently proven to be bereft of all moral decency?
Point 3: Blame Biden
My last magical truth is that this illusion of wizards is exceptionally adept at creating illusions. For years, they have been able to successfully hoodwink an unsuspecting (stupid) public that all of their woes are because of that fool, Biden.
It's true, anytime something appears unpopular or amiss, they cast a spell of misdirection and... blame Biden! Oh yeah, what better way to defeat your opponents than to fabricate totally true stories about them and then do the exact thing that you're shitting all over your rivals for? MAGA put this man through the wringer for things like Ukraine, taxes, immigration, and trying to stimulate infrastructure development. They even wove a spell implying that Biden and his ilk LOVED children. It's in caps to give obvious emphasis in case anyone from MAGA is reading this.
This entire process has really showcased their ability to vilify anyone and everyone, then fail miserably without taking any credit. Think about it, our Grand Wizard-in-chief is one of the most named individuals in the Epstein files but has successfully magicked most of his base into believing that he's not a pedophile... which, I mean, of course he's not. He also made everyone think that Hunter Biden's laptop was the Necronomicon, the digital book of the dead. I call it this because MAGA used this very inane object to raise their dead political standing. I'm still waiting to see all the very damning evidence on that laptop that I'm sure exists.
Conclusion
Three points were listed, but I have many more if anyone is interested. This illusion of magicians has effectively taken a country that was actually moving in the right direction before their coup and made it even better... by destroying it. And then all they have to do is use magic to make people believe it. It's absolutely incredible.
Forget science; I've been convinced magic is real because how could that many people be that stupid... it has to be magic!
Dad out. I'm going to go join the illusion.