Hello! Recently, I was given the wonderful opportunity to embark on my annual guys' trip with my best friend. This year, we took what could arguably be considered the most middle-aged men's trip possible: a visit to bourbon country in Kentucky.
It was incredibly nice to get away. But as it turns out, the world doesn't stop when you're on vacation—only your attention does. And boy, did I miss some things. Let's recap a few of the major events that transpired while I was off the grid for a mere three days.
The High-T Department of War
Pete Hegseth just instituted a policy that every male in the military over the age of 30 needs to undergo mandatory testosterone testing. Yes, the head of the most powerful military in the world wants every dude to get checked for low-T the second they exit their twenties. This isn't satire. I genuinely wish it were.
Here's why this is a gigantic waste of time and resources: men should really only have their T checked if there's a medical reason to do so. The military already forces you to take a plethora of unnecessary tests. Information Assurance training comes to mind, not to mention the legendary Accident Avoidance Course. Woo! What would I do if I didn't take a mandatory class on not giving secrets to the enemy by leaving my computer unattended? Apparently, African princes got the best of a few Joes over the years. And how on Earth would I ever drive my car safely without that wonderful online module? I most assuredly would have driven into oncoming traffic in a fit of rage had I not been blessed by such a prolific course. Thanks, Army, for keeping me safe all these years!
But I digress. Like all things I do, I like to overanalyze, so let's look at the facts. Testosterone levels tend to fall naturally by about 1% each year after the age of 40. So, why are they starting the testing at 30? I'll tell you why: individuals who stay in the military past 40 years of age are functionally geriatric. Do you know how much relative aging occurs during 22 years of service? That 40-year-old has the health and joints of a 60-year-old, and it only gets worse from there. Military service exponentially degrades both your soul and your body. I don't think TRT will fix a broken soul, but hey, maybe?
Experts are mixed on the efficacy of testing an entire population that early, but one thing is for sure: those side effects are wild. They can include "increased risk of blood clots, acne, breast tenderness, and irritability." Yes, that's precisely what we need—an entire force of irritable troops with tender breasts. Awesome.
Plus, those who opt for testosterone replacement therapy get a double whammy of awesome by possibly becoming infertile! I've met so many soldiers in my lifetime who are quite literally dumber than rocks, so maybe Hegseth intends to kill two birds with one injection. A mad genius! A giant, heartfelt thank you to Big Daddy Hegseth. Your medical expertise is truly saving the profession. Hooah!
Blame Canada
The second piece of news I was greeted with is that Ohio's most illustrious used car salesman and statesman has submitted a piece of legislation that would sanction Canada because they had the audacity to catch on fire. How dare they!
I know the MAGA crowd is probably reading this and saying, "Hell yeah, get them Canadian bastards for throwing smoke our way!" You guys are totally right. We should find every excuse to blame an ally in crisis for inconveniencing us. My goodness, there's no way that climate change directly impacts the frequency of forest fires—everyone knows science nerds are stupid. It has to be Canada's unwillingness to prevent their own fires.
I know why they don't have any idea what they're doing: they don't have Smokey Bear to guilt them into it. Smokey would never visit the Godless Canadians to help them when they refuse to lift themselves up by their bootstraps. Perhaps we can help them form their own prevention campaign by giving them Moreno the Moose, an anthropomorphic depiction of our AMAZING senator from Ohio, who in no way spends his days dreaming about receiving hugs and praise from Trump because his daddy didn't love him. Moreno the Moose could star in a major ad campaign letting Canadians know that one of the most heavily wooded countries on Earth has no idea how to manage a forest.
Mind you, this is the same senator who hasn't intervened in any way on behalf of his own daughter, who was allegedly abused by another Republican congressman, Max Miller. He said it's a "private, family matter." Bitches be trippin', Bernie, and so is Canada with their totally inconsiderate fire. Keep shutting down our allies and proposing absolutely meaningless legislation on behalf of Ohioans everywhere. Maybe someday you'll get that hug.
War, Again
And the last minor piece of news I missed? The war with Iran is back on! Yes!
I have nothing else to say about this one except that we are clearly being led by the most competent people on the planet. I feel so safe knowing that our country is being governed so well by men of such great stature, who are in no way grifters or pedophiles. Thank Jesus for the Republican Party!
So, that was a lot to come home to. But at this point, you may be asking: did we at least have a great trip?
We had an incredible time, and I came home with some stellar bottles of bourbon. I'll talk about our adventure more in our next post, but for now, I'm going to leave you with the absolute guarantee that our elected representatives are super smart, looking out for our best interests, and doing everything they can to keep us safe. Especially ICE, who in NO WAY murders people for no good reason.
Dad out.